Moolah

You lookin' at me?

I was at the Academy Awards of cattle recently to get a look at a million dollar cow. This particular animal (named Missy) was actually worth $1.2 million, but hey , who’s counting? If you had offered me a million dollars to select the gold-plated holstein from among the hundreds contentedly chewing their cuds at the Royal Agricultural Winter Fair, I could not have done it. One cow pretty much looks the same as any other cow to me.

What makes a cow worth that kind of money? Well, embryos…if you want to get right down to it. Championship cows have championship eggs. Championship bulls give up championship semen. You put the two together and you’ve hit the jackpot of bovine conception.

The cows at The Royal are truly treated like celebrities…and I think they know it. When you’ve got two guys in overalls painstakingly shaving the peach-fuzz from your udder, you must know you’ve achieved some kind of special status. The cows are washed daily during the competition. They are misted with scented water, clipped and generally groomed to within a long, luxurious eyelash of their pampered existence. In an effort to show off the shapeliness of their udders..they are not milked prior to entering the judging ring and they can get big. Very big. You don’t want to be the first guy to squeeze one of these pressurized teats or it’s liable to go off like a busted fire hose.

Thousands of people pass by to look at the million dollar cow which means you have to me meticulous about waste. The cattle here barely have time to plop before someone sweeps it away. In fact, the cow patties from the most expensive animals never even touch the ground. Someone captures it en route to the floor.

My first substantial experience with cattle was not a particularly positive one. (see Nylon, Pantyhose and Horses on this blog.)  I thought the average cow was big, dumb and dusty. But this week’s visit to the Royal put me in touch with a more impressive pedigree. I won’t sell the cow short again. Not when some of them can, apparently, buy me ten times over.

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2 Responses to “Moolah”

  1. They should all be treated as good…who wants to drink milk from a cow who stands in feces all day?

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