The Bottomless Perils of Recreational Sitting

They've always been for sitting on.

If you’re sitting down while reading this you should probably stand. You may have cause to thank me later.

There’s an idiotic story on the front page of this morning’s paper about, yet another, dubious medical study. If I never had to read the results of another medical study I’m sure I’d be a healthier (if not happier) individual.

This one claims that even if you lead a life of taut and tawny exercise,  the couple of hours you spend sitting in front of a television will rot not only your mind (which we’ve all known for years) but your body as well. Nevermind that most of the modern world now sits for untold hours in front of a computer screen just to make a nickle……those few hours you may flake out in front of your flatscreen will apparently be the ones that will do you in.

We all know that a sedentary lifestyle is death. This is common sense. But the problem with medical studies, which become the flavour of the day for the media, is that the most titillating results are always extrapolated to cast the widest possible net. There are people whose whole broadcasting careers are founded upon spewing the conclusions of such studies. The essence of lazy journalism is to take the juiciest possible nugget and run with it. (I may, in fact, be in danger of doing that very thing right here.)

So this recent tome concludes that two or more hours of sitting to watch television can appreciably increase your chances of a so-called cardiac event. The researchers call this activity “Recreational sitting“. I do a fair amount of recreational sitting, that is, when I’m not ” professionally ” sitting at a computer keyboard. How do they classify the five hours I had to sit on that last flight to Maui? Transportational sitting? Some of that time I was, in fact, staring at the in-flight television screen on the seat in front of me…so I suppose that was a combination of Recreational and Transportational sitting. I have even been known to enjoy the private, albeit brief, literary pleasures of plunking myself down just to pee. Clearly this Urinational sitting is doing me no good. I’m going to have to get back up and take proper aim.

It’s self-evident that sitting in front of a television for hours is not a healthy lifestyle. I don’t need a study to tell me that. But the truth is that many people fill that time by filling their bellies with snacks…and I’m not talkin’ carrot sticks. You could argue that it’s the snacks that’ll kill you long before all that frivolous, recreational sitting. It’s the combination that does the damage, I’m sure. Exercise, these researchers claim, won’t help you. So if you just got back from running the marathon, don’t bother to sit down. You’ll simply undo the benefit of the last 26 miles.

A deadly bout of Recreational Sitting

I’m quite sure, in the Darwinian sense, that if we all stopped recreationally sitting..or even cut down on it substantially…eventually, over the course of many generations, our asses would disappear. Mine has started already. What is the point of the posterior if not to form the foundation for sitting? I know some of us have backsides so vast they require a visa to visit but think about the millenial ramifications.  A couple of thousand years from now there could be an entire mutant population of heart-healthy, non ass-bearing individuals. Thank heavens I won’t live to see it.

You may now take your seats.

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5 Responses to “The Bottomless Perils of Recreational Sitting”

  1. After reading your blog I went for a long walk in the woods. :-))

  2. Michelle Marlene Williams Says:

    Well Dave, I’m happy to inform you that I will NOT be an assless individual.
    Say what you will, judge if you dare, but I PERSONALLY will do my part in keeping asses alive.
    You’re welcome, Humanity.

  3. What? from walking or return to sitting again. Yes I did sit for awhile till I had to get up to make some dinner. After dinner, I stood at the art table for an hour and painted.

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