To Build a Better Barbeque

The Big Box

The Big Box

Today I will build a better barbeque. I know we are sliding out of prime barbeque season (it is, afterall, the first day of Fall) but the old grill is beginning to leak flame from areas that were never intended to leak flame. I no longer need to put food on it, I only need to put food near it and it will cook. It is just a matter of time before I light it one day and disappear, along with a plate of chicken, over the fence in a furious fireball.

The new unit was delivered yesterday, choppered in by a Sikorsky S-64, in a box big enough to warrant  its own postal code.

It will, of course, have to be assembled and there is only one man to do the job.

I am much better at putting such things together than I used to be. First of all there is a methodical approach that only blossoms with maturity. I study the instruction manual. I actually study it.  Nothing can distract me from absorbing every detail of the task at hand. Last night I vaguely recall my wife becoming a little frisky but I said, “I’m sorry, honey, perhaps another time. I’m studying the barbeque manual”.

I will lay out all of the parts as per the exploded diagram in the booklet. Actually you should never use the word ‘exploded‘ when dealing with this subject. Bad karma.

I will assemble my tools…another thing one only acquires with time. Unfortunately, my exhaustive collection of Allen wrenches will do me little good here. I will need real tools for a real job.

There may have to be a brief workout on my home gym before assembly begins. This particular barbeque contains more real steel than a small Navy destroyer.

I will have to hang on to my nuts. There are several thousand hex nuts involved in this project, tiny critical components that can roll and drop and disappear with the slightest provocation. I must guard these brilliant bits as fastidiously as would any diamond merchant in Antwerp.

I must not drink, even if I am still in the thick of battle come ‘Happy Hour’. Drinking merely clouds the mind and slows the reflexes. Remember those Christmas Eves when you struggled to put together all those new toys? It was the eggnog that did you in. And you know it.

Today is Operation  Barbeque. I intend to hit the beach running and catch the first fragrant sizzle before the Autumn sun goes down.


4 Responses to “To Build a Better Barbeque”

  1. Jocelyn Laidlaw Says:

    Are you insane? (why am I even asking…)
    Everyone knows you NEVER assemble a BBQ yourself. For a mere $50 the store you bought it from will do it for you. Hmmmm….now I get it…$50…the Frugal Frau certainly closed the change purse on you before you could get the store to assemble it.
    Be prepared for scraped knuckles and an endless stream of profanities.
    I’ll be thinking of you today with amusement, as I often do.
    When you’re done, my new BBQ awaits assembly at your experienced hands.

  2. Dave,
    I went through the same thing this summer. But I didn’t study, kinda like school all over again. Step one attach the end pieces to the top piece. Step two, attach the wheels. At which point I realized I had the ends on the wrong ends. Imagine, I had screwed up by step 2!
    I agree with Jocelyn, sneak the 50 bucks out of the loonie jar and have the store do it…..good luck, hope it works out for you. And for God sake hang on to your nuts.

    • It’s done guys. It’s all done and nary a scuffed knuckle in the bunch. The worst part was working in the blazing sun for a couple of hours in front of all of that stainless steel. I look like George Hamilton.

  3. Sorry I didn’t read this earlier. I love putting these things together! Just like my old Meccano. Glad to see you succeeded.

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