Gentlemen, Lend Me Your Ears

One of my young sons informed me recently that he had hair in his ears. My heart sank, for this can mean only one thing.  The mutant werewolf gene still prowls the family dna strand, at least the male end of it. I told my son of the tragic follicular history of the Gerrys and urged him to run..not walk…to the nearest retail establishment and arm himself with one of these.

The First Weapon of Defence

The First Line of Defence

For the women reading this I know what it looks like. Calm down. This is a male grooming device,  which also bears a striking resemblance to Marvin the Martian’s spacecraft.

All Gerry men should be issued one of these (along with a lifetime supply of batteries) at soon after circumcision as possible. It is our first line of defence against the horror of mutant thatching.

There is nothing amusing about superfluous hair in your ear, especially when the same material is in such pathetic demand elsewhere on the body. My father, at the end of his life, had more hair in the ears than on the scalp. If he could have trained it up the sides and tied it in a topknot above he would have looked like Elvis.

The personal groomer is like a garden trimmer for both the ears and the nose. With frequent use it can prevent the afflicted male from, in effect, becoming a giant schnauzer.

In the unfortunate event that the battery dies, and there is none other in the house, I have been known to take a safety razor to my ears. This requires a delicate touch and yoga-like dexterity lest you leave the bathroom looking like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.

What happens to men as they age? What is the scientific explanation for such random reforestation.

Let’s ask an expert.

An expert

An expert

Dave: Can you please explain why older men grow extra hair in such awkward spots?

Expert: Certainly, but first be kind enough to remove those furry earmuffs.

Dave: I’m not wearing any earmuffs.

Expert: In that case, nevermind. This is simply a matter of hormones. The amount of testosterone actually increases in men up to the age of 70.

Dave: But why is it so random? Why the eyebrows, the ears, the nose?

Expert: It may surprise you how many hairs are located in these areas. Most are too tiny to see. The tip of your nose, in terms of density, is the hairiest part of the body.

Dave: Thankyou. May I ask what you use in your hair?

Expert: Driveway sealant.


3 Responses to “Gentlemen, Lend Me Your Ears”

  1. Mike Hutchison Says:

    I tease my 15-yr old stepdaughter by saying that I’ll braid or wax my ear/nose hair when the time comes… handlebar mustache, anyone?? Perhaps a unique way of keeping my eyeglasses on my head? Of course, that elicits squeals of disgust from her and my wife – it’s all about shock value.
    Telling your kids that you want to live with them when you get old and senile and forgetful is the best way to clear the room (“Where did I leave my teeth again…?”).

  2. Mark Fuller Says:

    More from the expert please.
    And do you know of any experts that could talk about oh – I don’t know – crooning? Or pottery? Would be great to hear from them too.
    Love your blogging Dave-o.

  3. chubbynupta1 Says:

    Where can I get one of those?
    It’s not for me, it’s a gift for Andy Rooney

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